Tough Conversations: What Happens After the Loss of Your Marines
by Maj Geoff Ball
I found my way to the Marine Corps through the veteran and military family service world. I was lucky enough to begin my officer education well before I arrived in Quantico, doing veteran casework, advocating for wounded warrior caregivers, and volunteering with Gold Star families, among other initiatives. Everyone from lance corporals and generals to spouses and parents had incredible advice for an aspiring officer candidate and future student-officer at The Basic School (TBS). Most of what they taught me was never discussed at TBS or Infantry Officer Course. When it was, it occurred informally, in brief and somber (and usually not sober) moments with instructors in the Hawkins Room, where the situation allowed for candor and vulnerability.
I certainly don’t remember a dedicated class on what to do when your Marines are killed. And when we did discuss it, it was tangential, indirect, or vague. Having lost Marines of my own, I understand why now. It’s profoundly difficult to talk about, just as it’s difficult to write this article. But it needs to be done.
On this Memorial Day Weekend, in memory of some amazing Marines and a Corpsman, I’m going to share some experience on the conversations you have after the loss of one of your own.
Pre-Deployment: Setting Conditions
Before taking command, I had a very important conversation with a close friend with significant combat experience in Iraq, to include surviving a mass casualty situation. After getting into his first fire fight and also losing Marines, his CO and 1stSgt welcomed him and his squad back to the FOB and immediately told them good job. Welcome to the club. You’re more lethal and harder to kill now.
Did that actually help, I asked incredulously. It did. It helped quite a bit and they felt as if they had entered the inner-sanctum of the brotherhood. The one they had envisioned since they first learned of the Marine Corps from With The Old Breed, or their grandfather’s stories. His advice not only helped guide my own prepared remarks, but made me realize that I needed to make sure I created a narrative throughout the work-up to prepare us for loss, bloodshed, violence, and the forces of war.
A challenge we faced with embodying our narrative was the fact our deployment to CENTCOM was cancelled five months before we were set to leave. It was then turned on again six weeks before our ADVON departed. In response to this whiplash, I gave very specific guidance to platoon commanders on what they must get done in a short amount of time. One of the tasks, which was reserved for Platoon Commanders and Sergeants, was to be prepared to address their Marines in the face of a casualty. I asked them to imagine a situation where we get hit half way through deployment and we don’t have a means of directly responding to the threat. Assume myself and 1stSgt can’t get to your position. How do you keep your Marines moving, especially if the threat remains?
You do not have time to figure this out once you are in the arena. Key leaders must be prepared to immediately address the loss of a Marine. Truthfully, this is more likely to happen to you, the reader, in garrison or in a training environment, than it is in combat. Be prepared for this conversation the moment you take responsibility or command of a unit. What you say must fit within the current identity of the unit and draw upon the existing sense of community, or you will struggle to retain cohesion.
You must also ensure your subordinate leaders are in line with this vision and that they know how to echo this sentiment. It can’t just be the CO or 1stSgt – it should be across all billets that have leader or commander attached to the name.
Whatever you say following the loss of a Marine, it must be for the purpose of keeping the unit going forward and together. There are other conversations you will have when it comes to processing, healing, and closure, which will be discussed, but after a loss, you are likely still in the fight, and that is where your head must remain.
With that in mind, we deployed forward and remained ready to be called at any moment.
In The Arena: Resilience and Keeping the Unit Moving Forward
Our call came. We were ready. We did the job and did all we could to mitigate the risk we faced. We lost many and that number could have easily been higher if it wasn’t for the magnificent efforts of Marines and corpsmen alike. Hard training pays off in hard times.
Once the adrenaline wears off though, the times get harder. In a blur you are checking on the wounded waiting for evacuation and identifying bodies. The euphoric feeling you had in the moment of battle gives way to exhaustion and a feeling that you have been gutted.
As an aside – make sure your 1stSgt keeps the ISOPREP accessible. You will want this when you identify your Marines. And if you can, try and shield platoon leadership from the job and keep that task at the company HQ level.
After you’re consolidated, this is the time to get on the same page with your company leadership, grab the chaplain if available, and quickly game plan how you will notify the company. To my previous point, you don’t have time to find the words. You have them or you don’t.
Most importantly – take a quick moment for yourself. Take a breath and if you need to let it all out, then do so. Once you step in front of the formation, you must be ready to reestablish the tone and intensity needed to meet the moment.
With my company circled before us, my First Sergeant spoke and then myself, followed by a prayer by our chaplain. We read the names and I told them:
You have joined the long tradition of all gave some, and some gave all. And just like our forefathers before us, we will clean our weapon, reset our gear, and get back on post. Because that is our job and there is no choice. And if the enemy wants more, let them come and get it. There will be time to remember and mourn, but that time is not now. We are not done here and we will not rest until we are withdrawn. We are still in this fight.
During the work up, we had spent quite a bit of time talking about legacy and how the efforts of those before us, have the paved the way for us today. On the eve of deployment, I made it a major point that we honor the fallen by remaining true professionals, even if we are never called. I did my best to channel that once again in this moment.
Our company had taken around 25% casualties and walking wounded remained in our ranks. After some sleep and partaking in the ramp ceremony, we got back on post. The company had to remain actively engaged, not only because there was work that needed to be done, but because we needed to keep working. We were not defeated, nor were we broken and we could not let that become the narrative. To emphasize this message, when we came across an American flag at half-mast, we raised it back up. This wasn’t the time to mourn, or lick our wounds, it was time to finish the mission.
When you’re back to work, you must walk the lines, make corrections, direct focus, and make sure that the standard remains the same. Once you’ve ensured this, go find your Marines on their rest cycle, pull them close, and tell them you’re proud of them.
Processing: After Actions
Shortly after we suffered casualties, this mission wrapped up and we reconsolidated at another base. It gave us the opportunity to begin talking about what occurred.
From all that I had read, studied, and heard over the years, I highly valued the critical importance of the next series of conversations. Make no mistake, these early conversations are not going to fully resolve, nor heal, the pain and challenges that are present, and those which loom on the horizon. This is just the start of a very long and important process, and it lays the foundation for your Marines to start working through what they just experienced.
Upon arrival to our new base, Marines were allowed to acclimate and settle in for their first 36 hours. We slowly built back into our battle rhythm, to include unit PT, but the focus was on generating conversations within the platoons during dedicated windows. I wanted to get the Marines talking, not only for the sake of starting to process the events of the operations, but also to help them form a collective memory of what had occurred. It began at the squad level, where Marines were most likely to speak openly and then expanded to the platoon level. The end state I had in mind was a company-wide AAR, so I tasked platoons with building a day by day timeline of the operation and to identify the following:
Critical events and significant actions
Intent or tasking which was unclear or uncertain
Significant contributions by individual Marines and small units
What went well and what didn’t go well
What questions do Marines have for Company and Battalion leadership?
As an aside – start writing witness statements for valor awards as soon as possible. I will never forgive myself for not understanding this process better and it became exceptionally painful starting this up a month later. Supervise this process heavily as the company commander. Get it right the first time.
Squads and Platoons took 2-3 days to complete their conversations, at their own pace, feeling it out as they went. The Company XO took a day to compile their notes, build a comprehensive timeline, and frame the company wide discussion. In the evenings, we huddled as Staff and Officers to not only pass word and synch (we were only a week from redeployment to CONUS at this point) but also check in and see how Marines were responding to everything that was happening. This included trying to get updates on our wounded who were beginning to scatter from Germany to Walter Reed to California.
The day of the company AAR, we gathered in a large building and went through the operations from receipt of mission, to arriving at our current location. The XO led this part methodically, pausing to answer questions or allow for debate as necessary.
My turn came to discuss critical decision points. This, the commander must own.
I did not want a single Marine to leave that meeting wondering the Why behind decisions or events. Removing the doubt, even if they disagreed with the call, would at least alleviate them wondering what had occurred. I diligently worked through HHQ’s guidance, adjacent unit actions and locations, my estimate of the situation, contextual factors, and ultimately how I arrived at certain decisions. It seemed to be well received and I still hear positive feedback about this conversation to this day.
I made certain to identify the heroic work of specific Marines and sailors, and pass as much praise as I possibly could, without diluting the value. I also worked to validate their memories and emotions surrounding the operation. Combat memory is a wild thing and that needs to be recognized. I believe, what you believe, is what you believe. But please respect what I believe in return.
Finally, I closed with taking ownership of the decisions, any shortcomings we identified, and the lack of resources I could provide at time. I did my best to make them believe that if there was any fault, it did not lie with them – it lied with me, and me alone. Instead, they should be proud of what they accomplished and that there was a surplus of evidence pointing to how well they did their jobs in the face of extreme circumstances. In fact, they exceeded all reasonable expectations. I made sure to tell them this.
As a commander this is when you feel the loneliness the most. I will be forever grateful to the NCOs who pulled me aside and said: Sir, we’re really glad you were there with us. These words kept me afloat amidst severe moments of doubt, shame, and guilt.
The Families: Phone Calls and Letters
While the Marines were working through their AARs, I was making phone calls to Gold Star parents and one spouse. I decided to make calls, instead of write, so that they knew they had an immediate connection to a company leader. If they needed something, I wanted them to be able to ask directly.
As an aside - I did not know at the time that a letter to parents and/or the spouse is required by the Marine Corps. It must be copied and sent to HQMC for preservation and done so within two weeks of the loss of the Marine. The letter can be written by the Platoon, Company, or Battalion Commander. I found out the day of required submission and was fortunate to have my BC pick up the responsibility.
Before I contacted the families, I located the numbers of the Casualty Assistance Calls Officer (CACO) and contacted them for an update. I also asked them to check with the parent to see if they would be willing to take my phone call. Almost all of them said yes. I also made sure to thank the CACO and give them the POC for my 1stSgt and Gunny, while making it clear that they should over communicate with us any concerns, needs, and requests that might come up.
From my previous experience of working with Gold Star families, I knew you just had to dive in. You cannot be afraid of the conversation. Nervously standing on the periphery helps no one and if they didn’t want to speak to you, they would have told the CACO so. The same applies for when you meet them in person.
Given the time difference, the number of parents who were separated, and the high number of casualties, this took me several nights to complete. It was brutal, but not because a single parent was angry with me. In fact, every single one was compassionate, kind, and at times seemed more focused on making sure we had support and that we would get home safe. Their selflessness in many ways made it even more difficult. They were, and remain incredible to this day and they are the best Americans you will ever meet.
That did not mean the conversations were simple. On these calls you must be prepared to answer questions. Do not answer the questions you don’t have answers to. You call them back if you have to, but do not make things up.
You will be asked how their child died, if it was instant, and if they suffered. Determine ahead of time if you are going to answer that or say you do not know. If you are going to answer that, confirm the facts with your senior corpsman and those present. They will receive the autopsy report eventually and the contradictions and conflicting perspectives are painful. Do they trust a formal investigation or those they know personally and who their son or daughter trusted? Try your best to avoid putting them in this situation.
You must convey this to your unit as well. Demand of your Marines that they do not make up information to make parents feel better. This happens often and only leads to more pain as the truth comes out in the investigation or autopsy. Nothing you can say is going to lessen the pain – but you can make it worse. Memory is exceptionally difficult. Your Marines will remember things differently, but this is why you have conversations afterwards to try and get the team on the same page. Or at least recognize there is uncertainty in what happened.
Again, do not hesitate to reach out to the families. They will appreciate it, and you will be better for it.
Please note the unique situation we were in – we were essentially out of theater. I do not believe or know for certain, if this would be possible, or sustainable, if we remained in an operational capacity. I’m skeptical we could have taken this approach if our operation continued.
Healing: The Company Memorial
We were separated from the rest of the battalion during this period. It took almost two weeks for our battalion leadership to come speak with us, which coincided with the company memorial. Small unit leaders must be prepared to lead in isolation at times and to work through these moments with the weight on their backs. The BC and SgtMaj spoke to all hands the day they arrived, leaving company leadership to handle the remarks during the memorial itself. Their remarks would be reserved for the battalion memorial upon consolidation in Camp Pendleton.
When it came time for the memorial, we put it to the platoons to identify who would delivery eulogies for each Marine that we lost. The Marines did an excellent job with their remarks, bringing out who their buddies were. There were no set minimums or maximums on speeches – just do what feels right to you. It is very important that you get the buy in from the unit for the memorial. Everyone should feel ownership in this sacred ritual.
Though we couldn’t get our wounded in Germany to VTC in for the AAR, something I still regret, we did get most of them on FaceTime for the Company Memorial, and recorded it for those still too wounded to observe. Do all you can to incorporate your Marines who may not be present for key conversations – it is critical you look after them in that manner.
I was the last to speak before the 1stSgt read the names. As previously mentioned, throughout our work up we had talked a lot about Legacy and Cohesion. Those were running themes and I put them at the core of my remarks and they served as the framework for what I said to the Marines. I attempted to accomplish the following:
Invoke memories of our best times as a company.
Talk about all who we lost, and as many of the wounded as possible, in the context of those memories.
Recognize the challenge of the mission and more importantly recognize how the company rose to meet that challenge. That everyone accomplished the mission and did their jobs with honor.
Recall the actions of those we lost, and of the many wounded, in the lead up to their final moments.
Recognize the most exceptional cases of valor in the company.
Inform the company that they didn’t need to question if they could live up to the heroes of Tarawa, Chosin, Hue and Fallujah – they had earned their right in that history.
Close with recognition that we are now bonded together for life and we will always be there for each other.
I also made sure to incorporate themes and messages from platoon leadership. They knew better than I did what the Marines needed to hear. After each Marine paid their respect to each battlefield cross, they filed out to a burning barrel where they burned notes they had written to each Marine and our corpsman. There’s symbolism in this act that was unique to our company and the gesture was devised by our Marines.
Transition: Redeployment and Milestones
We were greeted at March AFB with an honor guard and first responders lined our return to Camp Pendleton. In the glare of the lights splashing across the face of my Marines, I could see they just wanted to hug their families and be left alone. It was overwhelming and uncomfortable. People are trying to help you that have no idea what you need. Even more challenging were the veterans who were trying to be there for us, but deep down they were using our moment as a foil to processing their own emotions and pain. Be respectful, but you can also keep them at arms reach if you want, and that’s ok.
After leave, many more conversations followed. Each week led to leadership feeling out what was working and what wasn’t. We attempted to normalize asking and getting help. SNCOs and Officers openly shared that they were seeking mental health resources, and this paved the way for more junior Marines to do so themselves. Take your time and realize there is no right path or answer. You just have to go day by day and develop the situation as you would a movement to contact.
Inevitably Marines begin to depart the unit. Do not let them leave without recognizing them at their final formation. They went through hell and they deserve at least a certificate that speaks of their honorable service, and to be recognized in front of the family they gave so much to during their career. Do not let anyone fade away.
The new joins will help you begin the necessary transition. Welcome them and have their squad leader or your Gunny take them to the battalion’s wall of honor. Begin their education on the legacy of the unit and bring them into the family. Their arrival will give your Marines a new purpose – just make sure it is constructive and healthy.
Gold Star Families: Continued
We were able to host a Gold Star family event prior to the Battalion memorial. Through a contact I was able to get leather journals with our Battalion crest burned in for each family, and Marines wrote notes in the pages. We presented those to each family and offered them an opportunity to address the company. It was a powerful and important moment for all. Additionally, we assigned Marines to be with them all week, as their appointed place of duty, and the bonds formed then continue today.
We also had the rare opportunity to attend some of the memorial services of those we lost. Flying fifty Marines to Wyoming on a chartered jet and the subsequent night on the town after the service was some of the best healing we had. The conversations had in a cowboy bar stretching into the early morning were ones I’ll never forget. I wish I could have had all the Marines with us, but take whatever you can get in these times.
If you are asked to speak at a memorial, you are there first and foremost to talk about their loved one. If you are the company commander, you will not know their Marine as well as their buddies, make sure you encourage them to speak too and help them prepare. It might be overwhelming for them. You are also there to describe the good they did on that mission and the purpose of their sacrifice. Speak about the platoon or company’s story, as the families appreciate knowing as much of their Marine Corps life as possible. They weren’t really a part of their final months of their lives and you can share stories that they will cherish forever.
There is No Final Chapter
My friend with the advice from the beginning of this article also spoke of his officers after redeployment. For months and years afterwards they looked exhausted. I get it now. I am too. It’s part of the burden and you move forward doing what you can, when you can, for your Marines and your Gold Star families.
Of course, everyone starts spreading to the winds. You will want to hang on to your Marines longer than you should, or is possible. At some point, each of us has to make our own choice on how we will move forward and you cannot do it for anyone other than yourself.
One does their best with phone calls and texts on holidays, anniversaries, birthdays of the fallen, and Memorial Day Weekend. It seems like there’s a reason to speak with someone every week and you might feel compelled to do so. Eventually, you have to ask: Am I doing this to support them, or to make myself feel better?
An important conversation still has to happen with yourself. And this is the toughest and the easiest to avoid. You can try and run from it, but eventually you will have to turn and face it square on. You must confront the ugly truth and the messiness of war – that you couldn’t bring them all home.
You must give yourself grace. And ask for help if you need it.
If you trained them as hard as you could and you demanded even more from yourself, and you made tough calls on tough dilemmas – then you did all you could. Be at peace with this.
The cheap bumper stickers of “win before you step on the battlefield” and “find a way to win” are great mindsets, but they aren’t reality. “The enemy gets a vote,” now, that’s reality.
If you can honestly say that you did all you could to prepare those you led, and yourself, then you will be able to look in the mirror. And you will be able to look a Gold Star mother in the eye when you pass her a folded flag and say:
On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your son’s faithful service to country and Corps.
When you lose a Marine, the conversations don’t end, they just change with time. It is important you continue them for your Marines, your Gold Star families, and yourself. In closing, never forget the words of Ernest Hemingway:
Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name. In some ways men can be immortal.
Written in memory of Corporal Hunter Lopez, Corporal Daegan Page, Corporal Humberto Sanchez, Lance Corporal Jared Schmitz, Lance Corporal Rylee McCollum, Lance Corporal Kareem Nikoui, Lance Corporal Dylan Merola, Lance Corporal David Espinoza, and HM3 Maxton Soviak.
Major Geoff Ball is an infantry officer and a co-founder of the Connecting File. He can be reached at cxfile0302@gmail.com.
Thank you for this introduction to the inner sanctum of the profession of arms. Over years of working alongside military leaders I am often concerned that their training did not fully prepare them for this reality because it seemed absent from the formal curriculums and field manuals. I can see that this is because it is knowledge and understanding that can’t be transferred as learning in that fashion. In that sense especially this is the best Memorial Day reading I can think of.